


Fire

by Erestorandfin



Series: Corruption [3]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: #JusticeforJaneway?, Angst, Corruption, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Justice, Love, Oral Sex, Revenge, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27642109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: How had she ended up back here, back in the middle of this fight again?Sequel to 'Hell after this'.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: Corruption [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010556
Comments: 33
Kudos: 50





	1. The war is coming

**Author's Note:**

> This overall inspiration for this story is ‘Iron’ by Within Temptation. However, as listening to music is a large part of my writing process, with each subsequent chapter I will post a song recommendation for one of the other songs that helped inspire this story. 
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for beta and support!
> 
> Kathryn's thoughts are in Italics.
> 
> As with my previous stories, ********************* indicates a change of window/time/location, whereas ~~~ is a change of time within the same window ie morning to night.
> 
> As this story moves back and forwards through time, for simplicity any time period is either the present day, or x amount of time prior to present day, not x amount of time before the previous window.

Left in the darkness

Here on your own

Woke up a memory

Feeding the pain

You cannot deny it

There’s nothing to say

It's all that you need to find the way

Oh damn, the war is coming

Oh damn, you feel you want it

Oh damn, just bring it on today

You can't live without the fire

It's the heat that makes you strong

'Cause you're born to live

And fight it all the way

You can't hide what lies inside you

It's the only thing you know

You're embracing that,

Never walk away

Don't walk away

Raised in this madness

You’re on your own

It made you fearless

Nothing to lose

Dreams are a drug here

They get in your way

That's what you need to fight day by day

Oh damn, the war is coming

Oh damn, you feel you want it

Oh damn, just bring it on today

You can't live without the fire

It's the heat that makes you strong

'Cause you're born to live

And fight it all the way

You can’t hide what lies inside you

It's the only thing you know

You're embracing that,

Never walk away

Don't walk away

You need not to fear us

Unless you are a dark heart

A vile one,

Who preys on the innocent

I promise

You can't hide forever in the empty darkness

For we'll hunt you down like the animal you are

And pull you into the very bowels of hell

Oh damn, the war is coming

Oh damn, you feel you want it

Oh damn, just bring it on today

You can't live without the fire

It's the heat that makes you strong

'Cause you're born to live

And fight it all the way

You can’t hide what lies inside you

It's the only thing you know

You're embracing that,

Never walk away

Don't walk away

~~~

*********************

**Present day**

*********************

How had she ended up back here, back in the middle of this fight again?

Kathryn had promised she wouldn’t, had promised herself that she had let go, and left that life behind her. It had taken her a long time to make peace with the part of her that was repelled by the idea of sitting quietly to the side despite her knowledge of Starfleet’s corruption, but having done so, she had been perfectly content to live the life they had made together. She didn’t need any of this, any of them, she only needed him.

Chakotay had kept his word. Never once had she regretted sharing her heartbreak with him. He understood her better than anyone, knew exactly what it cost her to do nothing, and his silent strength gave her a reason to go on. He had never pushed her to do anything, never brought it up unless she wanted to talk about it. But they had both known there was still the promise between them, that when it was time, they would face it together. Despite the things she wished she could change, when she remembered the life she had been living before he found her, she could feel only gratitude at his unwillingness to accept she was gone.

That’s not to say everything had been perfect. Despite her complete trust in Chakotay, it had been hard for her to let go of what had happened. Every now and then she would forget, would try to withdraw, mourning the person she used to be. But ever patient, he guided her, coaxed her back to herself, and reminded her of what she still had. She hadn’t told him everything that happened, the depth of Stevens’ actions; she had promised herself once, as she lay awake at night, that the memory of him would live only in her nightmares, where she couldn’t stop it. She would never give it space in her life, never breathe it to another soul, even if that soul was part of hers.

Despite everything, for the first time in as long as she could remember, she had been happy. So had he. Being together had been enough for her to forget what they had lost. Chakotay was all that mattered, and finally, he had been hers.

Of course, that was exactly why she was here again, remembering a different promise.

_The only other thing I care about is my crew, my friends, and there is nothing that can keep me from protecting them. If you break your word, if you hurt them or pursue them in any way, I can promise you, I have no ties to hold me back._

It hadn’t been enough for Stevens, hadn’t been enough to have her silence and her pride. Her refusal to bend to his will had instilled in him an unfaltering desire to punish her, to take everything from her. She had played on the edge of the knife and won, but only temporarily. With time, she thought, her refusal to be scared must have eaten at him. He was beyond the rational, beyond trying to protect his status and his power. His actions became purely about vengeance. The life he had taken from her had only been the beginning, he had been determined not to stop until he destroyed her completely. 

Six months after Chakotay found his way to her, Voyager relaunched. Until then, her disappearance had, for the most part, flown under the radar. The adoring public had gathered to celebrate, but instead of her triumphant return, ready for a new challenge, they had been faced with her absence, which was noted with confusion. Starfleet had of course, offered no comment, merely commended the captain who had taken command of Voyager at such short notice.

But, somehow, the press had found out about her leaving Starfleet. Someone had whispered in their ear, spun a tale about how she had been seduced away from them by the promises of a dangerous criminal. How they were worried, such a bright woman, who they couldn’t afford to lose, who was needed to protect their future as they tried to rebuild. 

And suddenly the public opinion shifted. She had their worry, their pity, but not their trust. 

Any sympathy for the Maquis was negated as the public began to believe that Chakotay was responsible for her fall. If there was anything that everyone agreed could corrupt even the most respected heart, it was love. Chakotay fit the bill so perfectly, his dark eyes, soft manner, the picture of temptation. Suddenly more people were wondering if Starfleet had been wrong to clear them on their return, wondered if they should have faced official charges. After all, if, after seven years of apparently working for Starfleet, he could turn his back on them, steal away a once loyal officer, could any of them really be trusted?

She knew it was Stevens’ doing. Who else had the motive and the means, the cunning to both clear himself of any associated backlash from her departure, while simultaneously tainting the only thing she had had left? It was then that she had realised he had never given up the urge to control her, always keeping an eye on what she was doing.

After all, information was power, and the only thing he wanted more than power was her.

With the light touch of a practiced manipulator, Stevens had managed to sell the idea that Chakotay was trying to fight against the Federation, committing treason against his own people while they were weak, as well as generate distrust of the former Maquis, her likely allies. Any credibility she might have had if she was so inclined to tell anyone the truth of the situation had been erased. It was the perfect plan, she reflected angrily, when you thought about it.

Well, almost perfect.

Stevens had underestimated her before, and he had clearly not believed her warning. But he was wrong, and he had no idea of the fury and destruction he had unleashed inside of her. She had sworn it to herself; if it was the last thing she ever did, she would make sure he paid for what he had done to Starfleet. For what he had done to her.

For what he had done to Chakotay.

He wanted vengeance, and she was going to give it to him.

*********************

**Eight weeks earlier**

*********************

Kathryn smiled at Chakotay as they left the restaurant, ignoring the chill that hit them as they left the shelter of the building. Their hands clutched tightly together, falling naturally into step with each other as they headed along the waterfront. Eyes raised, Kathryn found herself entranced by the clear sky, the brilliance of the billions of stars shining clearly above them.

“It’s just so beautiful, Chakotay…” she whispered, overwhelmed, just for a moment, as she remembered how it felt to be among them, to experience their light, their splendour up close. To be free, anything at their fingertips if they only reached for it. Filled with the knowledge that she would never know that feeling again.

“Kathryn...”

The strained tone of his voice pulled her back to reality. Finding his face, she found him staring at her the same way she had been gazing up only moments ago, longingly, as though there was nothing so beautiful. As though she was everything he would ever need, and yet his eyes were tinged with an edge of sadness at the thought of something he couldn’t give her. Her heart hurt for him, for making him feel that he wasn’t enough. Stopping, she pulled him close to her, looking up into his face, silhouetted in the silver light of the full moon.

“I wouldn’t trade this, Chakotay, not for anything. To be out there, without you, would be meaningless. Sometimes it’s hard to forget, to let go of something that was part of me for so long. But I love you. If I had a choice, I would choose you every time. You are all I need. Don’t ever believe otherwise.”

Their lips met, and she tried to show him her sincerity, to make sure he understood the truth of her words. To her, he would never be second to anything. As they parted, she could see the peace in his eyes. He knew.

Hearts aching again, but for a different reason as they both felt the sudden need to be closer together. Their apartment seemed so far away, and they resumed their journey, moving much faster now, overtaken by a mixture of passion, joy, impatience. She laughed, almost having to run to keep up with his much longer strides, her hand held so tightly to make sure she didn’t fall behind. Tugging his hand in surrender, begging for a moment to rest as her laughter stole the last of her breath.

Maybe they were just too lost in each other, maybe their instincts were dulled from the wine at dinner, but they didn’t know they weren’t alone until it was too late.

A bright flash streaked between them as Kathryn bent for breath, still caught up in their moment, still laughing, and then his body was falling, soundless, and she knew something was wrong as his hand was wrenched from hers by his dead weight.

Screams of anger surrounded them, hateful slurs directed at Chakotay.

Someone grabbed her around the waist as she struggled to get to him, forcing the air from her lungs as her forward momentum was stopped by his arms. Her combat training kicked in, landing three vicious blows in quick succession; groin, nose, throat, and he dropped to the ground, releasing her. But there were more of them, and she felt a set of hands grabbing each arm, restricting her options to defend herself. She was screaming now too, screaming his name, desperate for him to answer, to know he was okay, but there was no reply. If he could have responded he would have, he would never have ignored what he could hear in her voice. His silence filled her with dread.

Adrenaline had sobered her, and she redoubled her efforts, focusing her energy on one of her attackers, knowing she would tire quickly if she tried to get away from both at once. Furiously stamping on his foot she twisted, her elbow smashing across the side of his face. He fell but didn’t let go, and now she was being dragged down too. As she fell forward, pulled by the firm grip on her arm, her attackers started to work together, each of them twisting one of her arms behind her back, forcing her face into the uneven pavement. 

They were much larger than she was, and her breath was being pushed from her chest as they pinned her tightly. But their hate was no match for her love, no match for the furious and dangerous woman they were provoking. Snarling like a trapped animal she swept her leg out to the side, knocking one off their feet, and he let go in surprise. Jerking her body hard, the second fell over her, not expecting her sudden movement, shocked by her strength. Now he was on the ground she rolled them over, and then she was above him, but he had her wrists in his larger hands, limiting her movements with his tight grip. Unwilling to give in, she forced herself to lean forward until she could scratch at his face, at his throat as she struggled to free herself. Finally she managed to get enough room to bring her palm down hard against his nose, heard the sickening crack as she felt it break, and his grip broke with it. 

Exploding up from the ground, her eyes scanned, assessing the situation. This was why she had borne captaincy so well. While her heart was pounding, she thrived on the adrenaline, using it to her advantage. Instead of letting her fear dominate her mind, she could feel it, accept it, and put it aside, only letting it motivate her to find a solution, any plan that might get them out of whatever they were facing. Every action she took, every move she made, she was aware of what was going on around her, picking up on tiny signals, small details that she could exploit to her advantage. No matter what she had told herself, this would always be part of her, this fierce woman who would face down anything even if she knew it would end in defeat.

There were more of them, holding back now, more cautious as they realised the danger she presented. But she knew there were too many. She could fight, she could take some of them down, but eventually she would be overwhelmed. They might be armed, certainly at least one of them was if the flash of light earlier had been any indication, and she wasn’t. It didn’t matter. If they wanted Chakotay, she was going to make them use whatever they had, she would fight to the last for him. 

Hurtling towards the dark silhouette of Chakotay’s body, she crouched protectively over him, back stiff, watching as they circled closer. She couldn’t even look to see if he was okay, if her eyes left them for a second, she knew it would be over. Her hand desperately felt over his heart, willing her fingers to find its solid beat beneath them. It was there, faintly, she thought. She hoped. They were coming closer, realising their numbers were too much for one person to handle. 

Her eyes flicked to the edge of the path, only a few steps back, where the ground gave way and fell to the cold waters. It would be a desperately risky move. There was a good chance she would be overcome with cold water shock, and unless the water revived him, without her Chakotay would drown. But she had felt their intentions in their attack; they were not just trying to hurt him. From their words it was clear this was not a random assault. They had known they would be coming this way tonight, had waited for them to walk into this trap. If they stayed here, eventually they would overpower her, and unless she managed to make them kill her in the process, she would watch him die, of that she was certain.

Better to take the small chance.

There might be more of them, but from their fighting styles she could tell they were civilians, and that gave her the advantage. They had strength, but she had strategy, and she had seen enough to know how to manipulate situations to her advantage. The surprise she had seen on their faces as she fought them off had told her they had not expected her to defend herself. Having seen her petite feminine form, they had foolishly equated it with weakness, deciding she was no threat. If that’s what they wanted to believe, that’s what she would give them. She had yet to hear her name, or any indication they knew who she was, and she could use that to her benefit. After all, once the initial adrenaline rush had worn off, it would be expected that an average person would become overwhelmed at the unfavourable odds.

She wrapped an arm around Chakotay’s middle, making it look like she was trying to shake him, to wake him up, while really trying to shift his weight back towards her.

“Chakotay! Chakotay, please, wake up…” She forced out a sob of fear. The sound confused them, and they stopped a moment. Perfect. Exactly what she had been hoping for. Make them believe. Almost unnoticeably she shifted her weight onto her back foot, having now obtained a good grip on Chakotay’s body. She looked up towards the advancing men, clearly panicked at her failure to wake her companion.

“Please. Please don’t do this. He’s hurt. He needs medical attention. ” Her voice was desperate, sobbing more now, and in the darkness none of them could see the lack of tears accompanying the noises. The leader took a step forward, his hand staying the rest.

“You can still leave. We are here for him, not you.” A few murmured grunts from the men she had taken down, indicating that they certainly were not so forgiving, but they didn’t object, clearly knowing their place. As he had taken the step towards her, she herself had shifted back one step, and no one had noticed, it was such a natural response to an approaching attack that it warranted no attention. Chakotay’s body had slid back with her as she moved, letting the ground bear most of his weight.

“Why? Why him?” Her mind was racing, thinking about what she was going to do, but knowing anything she could get out of him might be critical later. If they made it, anyway.

“We don’t ask questions. But he is a terrorist and a traitor. I’m sure he has many enemies. Now, step aside or you will regret it.”

“I can’t, I love him. Please let us go. Please don’t make me leave him.”

“This is the last warning I’ll give you. We will not leave until we have finished with him. Your only choice is whether to join him or not.”

She could feel the wide rim of the low barrier against the back of her feet now, and was grateful that it was only a few inches high; she would have had no hope getting his weight over a high barrier using her tiny body. 

She turned her head away from the man, instinctively feeling they were sold on this act, that there would not be an unexpected attack if she looked away. Her shoulders rose and fell as she shook.

“I…” She hiccupped, as though she was forcing herself to make a terrible choice. Her shoulders sagged as though all the fight had left her.

“Please, let me say goodbye.” The men didn’t move, but they didn’t respond either.

“Please. He’s all I have.” Her voice almost a whisper now. An angry sigh met her ears, and she saw him flick a hand at her impatiently, clearly cursing the irrepressible emotional nature of women. That was what she was waiting for. Sitting back on the edge of the waterfront, she pulled his body into a sitting position, resting against her as she wrapped both arms around his chest, burying her head into his neck as she sobbed against him, and it wasn’t an act anymore, she really was saying goodbye, knowing they might not make it through her next actions. Gripping onto his side hard with her knees, it looked as though she was trying to envelop his whole body in her embrace before he was torn from her.

Taking several deep, calm breaths, she tried to compose her mind, and prepare herself. Memories rushing through her head as she tried to recall the sailing lessons with her father, to remember everything he had ever told her about how to survive if she found herself alone in the water. Holding as tight as she could, she closed her eyes, and let herself fall backwards, dragging his body with hers over the edge and down into the darkness.


	2. The fire in your heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspirational music for this chapter - 'Fire with Fire' by Delain.
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for beta and support!

You allowed it, you condoned it

You are holding all the cards

All you need is some simple words now

"No" is a good one, "hell no" is better

Open doors by shutting one

It seems impossible until it's done now

You will always be much too strong for someone else

You will always be much too tall for someone else

Don't you try to apologize

Black Star, that's what you are

No one stills the fire in your heart

Fire with fire now

************************************

**Eight weeks earlier, continued**

************************************

The breath was forced from her chest as she plunged into the water. Despite her preparation, she instinctively gasped at the biting cold, lungs filling with water as she struggled to find the surface, still holding tightly onto Chakotay.

Their joint weight had forced her deeper than she expected, and it felt like she was making no progress despite her best efforts. Her lungs were starting to ache, she could feel herself getting lightheaded as her body begged for oxygen, and still she pushed upwards, knowing she couldn’t stop. Her world darkened as the peripherals of her vision closed in on her, the pale glow of the moon above the water barely differentiated from its reflection in the gloomy depths. For a moment she was hit by a wave of vertigo, and, confused by her inability to reach the surface, she began to panic that she was going in the wrong direction.

_Keep going. Just stay calm, don’t stop. Don’t turn back._

For once in her life, her thoughts took on a voice other than her own. Perhaps the memories of him were still so close to the surface, or perhaps it was oxygen deprivation, but she found herself soothed by the calm reassurance of her father. Kicking furiously she forced herself to keep moving, shutting her eyes to try and resist the temptation to change direction. When she thought she could take no more, that she surely would slip away from life, taking Chakotay with her, her head finally broke the surface. Choking out as much water as she could, she desperately gulped for air.

Panting, she pulled Chakotay’s back against her chest, ensuring his head was above the water, and with relief saw his lips parting, his body’s automatic drive to keep breathing kicking in despite remaining unconscious. Still, she thought it was best to make sure to keep herself behind him, out of his reach just in case he did wake. His panic if he suddenly found himself in deep water would be dangerous for both of them; it would take all her energy to try and get them to safety, she couldn’t afford to have him fighting her in his confusion. Trying to limit her movements and use their natural buoyancy as much as possible to preserve energy, she looked around, realising the current had quickly dragged them far from their point of entry. There was no sign of their attackers following along the water’s edge, so at least that was one danger hopefully eliminated. Now they just needed to make it back onshore before she ran out of energy, or succumbed to hypothermia.

Arms wrapped under Chakotay’s armpits and up over his shoulders, she kicked slowly to keep them afloat, searching for any possible exit as they drifted. Her skin was painfully cold now, and she was fighting to keep from shivering. Time was critical at this point; if they didn’t get out soon she would be too weak to pull him out with her. But as she frantically looked around, the high walls on either side of her loomed over them, an impassable barrier between them and escape. She pushed them nearer to the wall, hoping that the closeness would give her more time to react to any possible escape. But there was none.

Her breathing was slowing down as her body tried to conserve energy, and once or twice she had to shake her head as she found her mind drifting. Chakotay felt so heavy now, as though he was going to drag her down into the darkness at any moment. But she knew she would never let go. If there was no escape for them both, there was no escape at all. If this was the end, at least he was here, held as closely as she could manage. 

There.

She almost missed it.

A narrow slope down to the water, probably for lowering boats to water level. But her limbs were so stiff, and she wasn’t cold anymore, every movement was accompanied with burning agony. There was no option, though, so she pressed on, dredging every last remnant of energy as she struggled towards it. Relief filled her as she felt her flailing legs connect with stone underneath them, and she pulled to the side of Chakotay, flipping herself over so her knees could find purchase.

Crawling out of the water, Kathryn was oblivious to the bloody handprints she left as the rough concrete sliced her palms. Gripping under Chakotay’s arms, heaving as hard as she could, she barely managed to inch his body up the slope. Struggling to her feet, she leaned back, using her whole weight to move him, falling more than once as her frozen fingers lost their grip, but she finally managed to drag him clear of the water.

She was panting harshly now, bitter needles driving through her exposed skin as the wind attacked her wet body. Hearing a noise overhead, she looked up to see a face looking down at her in alarm, drawn by her weak sounds of distress and the noise of her clumsy movements. Despite her best efforts, she knew she had only seconds, she just had to hope he wasn’t one of the men seeking Chakotay.

“Please, help him…” she whispered, collapsing into unconsciousness next to Chakotay, completely spent.

~~~

A soft beeping in the background began to infiltrate her mind. Feeling so peaceful, her brow furrowed in annoyance at the irritating noise for disturbing her. Turning over, she tried to block it out, curling her body tightly as she pulled the covers over her head. Every inch of her body was telling her it was exhausted, and with the sound now faintly muffled, she let herself drift back into sleep.

~~~

The next time Kathryn woke, she was overwhelmed by a deep grogginess. She was aware of noises around her, the sound of movement letting her know she wasn’t alone. All her limbs seemed as though they were weighed down, slow to react to her commands. Even her eyes resisted as she forced them open.

Her head felt as though it was being split apart as the glaring lights assaulted her unprepared eyes. At her whimper of pain, she heard someone approaching her.

“It’s good to see you back with us. I’m Dr Reid. Take it easy, you’ve been unconscious for the last 48 hours. You’re probably going to feel fatigued for a while despite the sleep, considering the extent of your injuries. “

“Chakotay?”

“The man you came in with is still in a medically induced coma. We’re not exactly sure what type of weapon was used on him, but it’s caused significant damage. We are hopeful he will make a full recovery, but he needs at least another week before we can consider waking him up.”

Sighing deeply, Kathryn was filled with relief to at least know he was still with them. She tried to sit up but hissed as her shoulder joints screamed in protest before collapsing beneath her, dropping her back onto the bed.

“You had significant joint and muscle injuries. We’ve treated them but you’re likely to feel stiff for a few days as you get used to using them again. You were also in advanced stages of hypothermia, it was almost too late. It was utter madness to enter the water at this time of year. I assume you were thrown in by whoever attacked your companion?”

“Well, not exactly…” Her cheeks were flushing as she saw the doctor looking at her in surprise.

“I pulled us into the water. There were too many men attacking us, I thought it was the best option, I still do. We would both be dead if I hadn’t.”

“I can’t imagine it was an easy decision to make; I’m not sure I could have jumped in knowing how cold it would be. If it really was the only option, I suppose at least you gave yourselves a chance. I would advise staying away from waterways in future though when planning escapes, it’s extremely lucky you managed to get out at all.”

It had been the right choice, she knew that. It wasn’t entirely accurate to say both of their deaths had been certain otherwise, but at a minimum Chakotay’s was, and to her that meant the same thing. She would gladly make the same choice again; the chance to save him far outweighed the risk it presented. 

“Do you have anyone you would like to know where you are, any family?”

Kathryn thought of her mother, of her sister and, longing to see their faces again, she almost decided to contact them. Then she shook her head, knowing she couldn’t pull them into this, whatever it was. Stevens didn’t need any more targets.

“No. I should let my work know I won’t be in until Chakotay is released, though.”

“You can comm. them this afternoon, once you have eaten something.”

“I’m not hungry. Chakotay, where is he? I need to see him.”

“Hungry or not, your body needs food to heal. _If_ you eat something, I’ll ask the nurses to take you to see him afterwards.”

Kathryn groaned. Why were all doctors like this? It must be some sort of conspiracy.

“Let me see him first, and I’ll eat afterwards? I’ll be able to manage more once I know he is okay.”

“I can assure you he is fine, and he is not going anywhere. Neither are you, unless you eat something first.”

Rolling her eyes, she sighed and accepted defeat. It was so much easier to turn the Doctor off when she was told to do something she didn’t want to.

“Fine. But I want coffee.”

*****************************

**Seven weeks earlier**

*****************************

Kathryn was sleeping lightly, with her head resting forward on her arms next to Chakotay’s chest, when the increasing beep of the heart monitor disturbed her. Lifting her head, she looked up blearily, eyes taking in the doctor standing over him. She looked at Chakotay’s face in concern. Though he had yet to regain consciousness, he had been completely stable since she’d regained consciousness. Why would he be deteriorating now? It made no sense, but the monitor seemed to indicate he was as his heart rate continued to climb.

His breathing was faster now, and she looked at the doctor in panic. And then she saw something that filled her with horror. The insidious insignia of Starfleet medical.

Fury overtook every single cell of her body.

“What have you done?” The calm voice she used hid none of her cold anger, demanding his compliance with all the force of the many years of captaincy she had behind her. Sweat was on his forehead as he looked at her in shame and fear, and she knew she was right. Her fingers found the emergency alarm, desperately hoping there was something they could do.

“I had no choice, I’m so sorry...”

Kathryn was on him before he could even raise his arms in defence, hauling him back against the wall with a strength that beleaguered her tiny form. “What have you given him?” She hissed, the clear threat in her voice of what would happen if he didn’t answer her. He told her.

As the medical team flooded the room, she forced herself to calmly explain what had happened.

“Sit. I will deal with you when I know he is going to be okay. You had better hope he will be.” He was helpless but to obey her, her dominance clearly overwhelming him and she knew there was little chance he would try to flee.

As she watched the medical team trying to stabilise Chakotay, forced to stand back to allow them full access, her mind was racing. Chakotay wasn’t safe here. If, no, she angrily corrected herself, when, he was stabilised, he couldn’t stay here. Apparently Stevens wanted to leave nothing to chance, somehow he had known Chakotay was here and was recovering. This was even beyond what she had expected of him, unusually heavy handed when compared to his usual subtle manipulation, and that concerned her.

She could think of only two explanations.

The first was that the Starfleet doctor had not followed his plan correctly, had acted in front of her instead of waiting until Chakotay was alone as directed. She looked at the doctor on the floor, wondering if it was possible he had not followed Stevens’ orders. But she just couldn't see it. Not only was it far riskier for him to act in front of someone, but he was clearly deeply afraid of Stevens, as were most people. There was no conceivable way he would willingly risk his wrath.

And that left only the second explanation.

Stevens wanted her to know it was him.

If he did, he was even more dangerous than she had thought until now, apparently unafraid of the potential consequences, so sure in his belief that he was beyond the reach of repercussions.

She barely heard the doctor tell her they couldn’t treat him here, nodding her permission before he was rushed away.

Sitting in silence as she waited for someone, anyone, to tell her how he was, she glanced at the doctor still on the floor. He looked as miserable as she felt. The regret was clear on his face, and as much as she despised him for what he had done, she understood his duress, having felt it herself. He was the weapon but she knew who was firing the shots. He couldn’t have been older than 25 from the looks of him, and clearly not a strong personality. No doubt Stevens had chosen him for this very reason. She wondered what his price had been to abandon the ethics central to his profession.

There were so many lives hanging in the balance, their futures all dependent on whether or not Chakotay came back.

Eventually the familiar face of Dr Reid returned, looking worn out.

“He is stabilised for now, but I can’t say how long for. There is no reversal agent; we’ve removed what we could through hemofiltration but anything that had already diffused into his tissues is irretrievable. The toxin is extremely cytotoxic, and its effects are not always apparent immediately. We’ve all seen cases where the patient seems to improve over time, only to suddenly deteriorate as their organs begin to fail.”

She sighed, before continuing.

“As the toxin has been spread throughout his whole body via the bloodstream, if he does go downhill… it’s unlikely that organ or tissue replacement will be an option. We have to hope we have limited the damage enough for his body to pull through. For now there is nothing we can do except wait and see.”

“Can I see him?”

“We need to observe him for at least another hour until we can determine if he can maintain normal sinus rhythm on his own. As you saw earlier, the toxin was a chronotropic agent, it affects the rate of the heart, sometimes to the extent that the heart rate continues to increase until the cardiac tissues fail. We need to be sure that his heart rate is controlled before we can move him back, as we will not have the same ability to respond should he deteriorate here. I’m sorry, due to the secure nature of high dependency treatment,” her eyes flicked to the man on the floor, “we cannot give anyone except the care team access to him at present. As soon as it is safe, I will bring him back myself. “

Deeply unhappy, but sensing the pointlessness of arguing, Kathryn nodded.

“I need to make a call. Do you have a comm. unit I can use?”

“I’ll have one of the nurses bring a portable one for you.”

~~~

“Owen. I’m going to need your help, but first I need you to contact B’Elanna for me. I need her to come as soon as she can to the address I’m going to give you. Tell her it’s Chakotay. It might be best if Tom joins her when he can; I know she is more than a match for anyone who might come along but I’m no longer sure how much force he is willing to use. Once she is here, I’ll come and see you. I don’t have time to explain more but I will when I’m there.”

He nodded, there was no need for her to explain who ‘he’ was. She gave the address before ending the call.

~~~

It was nearly two hours before they brought Chakotay back, and she was on her feet immediately, finding her place at his side. For now, everything seemed to be proceeding as hoped, but she knew better than to expect it to continue. Life seemed to have a knack for forcing barriers between them.

She stroked his face, wishing more than anything for him to open his eyes, to smile at her once more, and tell her he would never leave her. In spite of herself, she felt tears trying to escape and she blinked them away angrily. There was too much to do to let her feelings dictate her actions. There would be time later for tears. 

As she heard familiar fast footsteps approaching Chakotay’s room, she looked up just in time to see B’Elanna stop dead in the open doorway as she took in Chakotay’s unmoving form in the bed, his hand clutched tightly between Kathryn’s. Shocked by the slight redness of her eyes, the idea of Janeway crying hitherto unimaginable.

Their eyes met. An understanding passed between them, and Kathryn knew she wasn’t off the hook for disappearing. But B’Elanna knew whatever was going on now was more important; she was worried for Chakotay too. But once this was over, she had some pretty choice words saved for her former captain.

“I know this is a lot to take in, but I need you to help me. Chakotay isn’t safe, I can’t leave him alone. But I can’t sort anything out from here. That’s why I needed you, I know you will look after him while I’m not here. Please be careful. Unless it’s me, Tom or Owen, trust no one, okay? No one else knows about this, no one knows he is here so if anyone arrives, it’s not good news. I have to speak to Owen; if anything happens, please let us know immediately. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Clearly unhappy with the lack of information, B’Elanna nevertheless nodded. Kathryn pulled the tightly held hand against her heart, leaning to press a kiss to Chakotay’s forehead, before she disappeared from the room, ushering the clearly uncomfortable man along with her.

~~~

As the door opened, Owen was faced with Kathryn and a very distressed young man. Stepping back to let them enter, he was surprised to see Kathryn’s face contorted in rage. Whatever she was here for must be serious for her to so openly display her emotions.

“I need to speak to you alone. You,” she ordered firmly, looking at her companion, “wait here.”

Without waiting to see if he acknowledged her directions, she looked at Owen, and followed him as he led her into the kitchen.

“Katie, I’ve never seen you like this. What’s going on? Who is that?”

“That,” she seethed, “is the Starfleet medic that Stevens sent to kill Chakotay.” 

As the story of what had happened over the last few weeks unfolded, Owen could see exactly how this was going to end. He wondered if Stevens realised what he had done, what he had set loose. If he could see Kathryn right now, he would.

“I’m going to take him down, Owen, one way or another. Will you help me?”

He had no hesitation.

“What do you need?”

“I need that man kept somewhere secure. I wouldn’t put it past Stevens to protect himself by making him disappear, and I am going to need him. You need to make sure that anyone you involve is someone you trust completely, there is no margin for error here. He’ll go with you willingly, I don’t think he understood how difficult it would be to live with doing something like that. Perhaps the chance to make some amends will be enough to prevent Stevens’ actions from destroying another life completely.”

“I also need access to a secure comm. Properly secure, something that leaves no record, no traceability. I need a secure location for a meeting, enough for five people and I need it to be accessible by transporter. No one can be seen entering or leaving, it puts everyone in danger if anyone suspects. Afterwards, I need the transport logs wiped, no destination, no origin, no personal specifications.”

“Consider it done. When do you want this meeting?”

“Tonight, hopefully. But it depends on the answer to the call I have to make.”

“Ok. If you give me an hour, I can arrange the comm.”

“Thirty minutes, Owen. This cannot wait.”

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Owen almost smiled as he recognised the Kathryn Janeway of old. Stevens might have thought he could crush her, but he didn’t realise that the more pressure you put on her, the harder she pushed back. As he left, he heard her speaking again, more softly now, but with staunch deliberation, and he turned back to her.

“Owen…if this fails, I’m going to need you to make sure you, and everyone else involved in this, are as distanced from me as possible. Do whatever you have to do to make sure there is no trace of your involvement. I don’t want anyone else to be caught up in it if I have to turn to my backup plan. I think you know what it is.”

With a deep breath, he swallowed, taking in the firm expression on her face, the determination to make the difficult decision, to do what no one else would. Her eyes were cold as steel, and he knew she would not turn from the path she had chosen until she had done what needed to be done, no matter what it cost her.

“One way or another, Katie?”

“Yes.”


	3. Scarlet hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspirational music for this chapter - 'Scarlet' by Delain.
> 
> Following from the previous chapters, this part is considerably darker but I hope you will all see it through to the end. 
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for beta and support!

And I know that if you were to save the world

You know it's not a day for heroes

You just sit there with your empty eyes

And if we were to save the day

We know it's not our victory, no

We'll just sit here with our golden smiles

And scarlet hearts

And scarlet hearts

And the curtain falls for us

************************************

**Seven weeks earlier, continued**

************************************

“Katie, the line is ready for you.”

Mark’s confused face appeared. Thanks to Starfleet’s interrogation immediately after her homecoming, followed by her self-exile, she had yet to actually see him again since her return.

“Kath?”

“Yes. I’m sorry to contact you out of the blue, but I really need your help. I should have been in touch before now, I know, but… well that’s not important right now. You know I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”

“I know, Kath. I’ll always be here for you, you know you don’t have to worry about asking for help. What can I do for you?”

“Well, to be honest it’s really Carla I need. I need to see you both, tonight if you can make it?”

“She’s still at the hospital, but she should be off at 7. Can you tell me what’s going on?”

“No.”

Mark considered her for a moment. He knew that look.

“Ok, Kath. Where and when?”

“Mark, you can’t mention this to anyone. You never heard from me, there is no meeting. There is so much more than you could imagine at stake, only those I trust the most know.”

“Kath, you haven’t even met Carla...”

“I know you. You trust her. That’s enough.” 

*****************************

**Six weeks earlier**

*****************************

“Here we are again, Chakotay. I know we imagined we would be doing this together, but as always, life is determined to push us apart. I promise, I will make him pay for this. There will be no more corruption in Starfleet once I am finished.”

She leaned in for a kiss, silently wishing that she didn’t have to do this. Knowing she couldn’t be with him when he eventually woke was unbearably painful. But she couldn’t protect him here, couldn’t be with him all the time and still do what she needed to.

With a nod, she watched him vanish into the transporter beam. The sooner she brought Stevens to justice, the sooner she could see him again.

_Carla, Mark, I’m trusting you both with my heart. Please keep him safe for me._

*****************************

**Five weeks earlier**

*****************************

Kathryn tried to get through work without letting her worry show. It had been eight days since she had sent Chakotay away, and every day seemed harder than the last. She wished she could visit, but it was more important to know he was safe. If Stevens was watching her, and he undoubtedly was, she would lead him straight to Chakotay. Somehow, he had made it through two attempts to remove him from her life, she doubted he could survive a third. The only thing she could do was go about her normal business while she tried to bring him down. At least Carla had managed to let her know he had finally woken, but that was all she knew. It would just have to be enough for now; any communication was simply too risky unless it was essential.

It was lunch, which she usually shared with her co-workers in the meeting room due to the lack of eating space anywhere else. When Kathryn had first started working here, she had done her best to forgo lunch breaks altogether, a practise left over from her time as captain. Her co-workers had quickly made it clear that this was unacceptable, and out of habit she now joined them daily, regardless of whether she was planning to eat or not. She had never had much of an appetite anyway, but the strain of worrying about Chakotay created a constant unease in her stomach, leaving her less hungry than ever.

As she walked in with her ‘lunch’, a cup of steaming coffee, she heard the beep of the comm. unit from one of the offices, but everyone ignored it. The office was closed 1-2, and as far as possible they avoided accepting calls between those times. Initially it had irked her to no end, the idea that she could be working instead of sitting around for an hour, but over time she had relaxed, realising that unlike her previous life, there was no work where time would make a difference.

The comm. kept beeping, and sighing, Jeremy went to answer it. If there was anything the office liked less than calls at lunch time, it was someone who refused to get the hint that they were closed. Sometimes it was just quicker to deal with whoever it was to ensure the peace.

“Kate, it’s for you.”

Kathryn was surprised; she generally didn’t take calls as part of data processing, and apart from Chakotay, who would know where she was? However, never one to let unexpected circumstances throw her, she smiled and indicated she was happy to take the call here. As she got up and hit the button to accept the call, Carla’s face came onto the screen.

“Kathryn... He just crashed out of nowhere. I… I couldn’t do anything. I’m so sorry...” She was crying, Mark’s arm wrapped around her shoulder as she leaned into him for support.

Kathryn didn’t notice the sound of her cup breaking as it dropped to the floor, or the spray of coffee coating her clothing. Carla’s lips were still moving but it was as though the world had been muted, fading away behind the only sound she could hear, the sound of her heart as it struggled to keep beating in its shattered form. Jeremy ushered her to a seat, but she gave no sign she was aware of him. Was he speaking to her? She didn’t know. Her eyes were open, but there was nothing there. From then until the moment Tom arrived to take her away, she said nothing, did nothing, saw nothing.

She felt nothing. Not anymore.

***************

The funeral was set for the following Friday. Kathryn abhorred the idea of all the familiar faces, so they decided it would just be very close friends. There was no announcement, only the group of people that had been helping her work against Stevens knew what had happened, so the chance of uninvited guests was minimal. Kathryn could prepare herself this way, know exactly who she would need to speak to, what she needed to say. 

She continued to work, needing the distraction. But she didn’t speak to anyone anymore. It was like Kathryn ceased to exist. Her body moved around, worked, and left. But the actions were instinctual, habitual, with no real drive or care. The only thing she said all week was that she wouldn’t be in on Friday. She didn’t say but they knew where she would be.

***************

The apartment was so quiet now, so empty. The kitchen she had once classified as cramped now felt spacious without him complaining that she was getting in the way. Everything pulled memories of him to the surface, reminded her of how the bare apartment had become their home under his laid back directions. At some point in the last few days, all the pictures had ended up in the bedside drawer where once she had hidden the only photo she had owned. 

She had given up trying to sleep in their bed, preferring to get what little fitful rest she could manage on the sofa rather than lie there alone where his absence was so prominent. There was no peace there anymore.

The thought of him loomed over her every time she dared to let her mind wander. It was time to reorganise the apartment again. It had become her nightly ritual, something to distract herself as much as for any functional purpose. As she moved things from one place to another, she thought about Stevens, and listed everything he had done. Her fury helped to focus her mind and she considered what she still had left to do.

Knowing she would ensure he faced justice was what drove her onwards, but she couldn’t help but think she would give anything to have Chakotay with her now.

***************

Friday found her trapped between B’Elanna and Tom, both trying to give her as much support as they could, knowing how desperately she missed him. For once B’Elanna was completely without fierceness, unable to do anything but cry as she mourned the loss of a brother. Even Tom seemed to be having a difficult time keeping his composure, having grown closer to Chakotay through B’Elanna. His hand clasped B’Elanna’s tightly behind Kathryn, acutely aware of her pain, trying to give her strength, her vulnerability rarely so obvious.

But Kathryn held her head up, determinedly looking forward, breathing deeply and slowly as she refused to let go. She could have been sitting on the bridge, or in her ready room, certainly not at the funeral of the only person she had let get close to her. Through her tears, B’Elanna shared a concerned glance with Tom as they saw her between them, worried about how deeply she was trying to internalise her emotions. At the end of the service, the small group filtered out, a brief reprieve before the wake. Tom tried to convince her to come with them, unwilling to leave her to her thoughts, but she shook them off.

“I just need a moment alone, please. You can wait if you wish, I’ll be out shortly.”

He opened his mouth to object but B’Elanna elbowed him and he shut up, following her example as she left, leaving Kathryn alone.

Dragging a seat, she pulled it up toward the closed casket. Calmly she ran her fingers over the smooth surface, remembering his talent with wood. The memory of a time when she had felt the most lost, and his love had been expressed in the creation of something beautiful just for her, something to give her a piece of home. Her fingers splayed out in a familiar gesture as though searching for the hand it once held.

_No, don’t think of that now._

But it was too late. It had taken everything she had to hold herself together, but now her mind was going there was no stopping the memories as they flooded back. Laying her head against the cold lid she let her misery overtake her, shoulders shaking as her grief poured out, her tears relieving none of her suffering. At every turn, life only seemed to bring her more pain; there was no reward for making the right decisions. There would be no winners in the game she was engaged in.

Her sobs drowned out the noise of approaching footsteps. A hand gripped her shoulder, but there was no warmth, no comfort in the gesture.

“I was so sorry to hear of your loss, Janeway.”

Her eyes were on fire as she turned to him with a snarl, wrenching herself away from his touch.

“How dare you come here after what you’ve done? You are not welcome, get out!”

“Is it wrong to pay respect to the deceased?”

She snorted.

“You know nothing of respect. Why are you really here?”

He leaned forward, determined to make sure she heard every word.

“I wanted to see you suffering. Wanted to see your face when I reminded you none of this would have happened if you had accepted your place.”

“You forced me out of Starfleet, I kept my silence. I gave up my life, left you to your twisted games despite how sickened it made me. But that wasn’t enough, was it? You spread the lies that I abandoned Starfleet. You turned the public against the Maquis!”

“I warned you of what I could do. You should have given me what I wanted, all of this could have been avoided. You must have known it would come to this if you resisted me. Was your pride worth his life?”

Before she could stop him, he ran a finger down her cheek, sweeping through her tears in delight.

“If you had said yes, there would have been no need for his death.”

Kathryn’s face met his in revulsion, the full impact of his statement washing over her, confirming what, deep down, she had already known to be true. For a second as their eyes met he wavered, snatching his hand back as though burned.

“It was you, all of this was you, wasn’t it? I had hoped that perhaps there were some things even you wouldn’t do, but I was wrong. It didn’t matter that I did as we agreed, you couldn’t take that I stood up to you. You saw that I had moved on, that I was happy, and you couldn’t take knowing you couldn’t scare me. You couldn’t let me have this one thing, could you? You sent those men to let me know you would never stop trying to control me. You sent that doctor when you realised it hadn’t worked.”

“Yes. I don’t start things I can’t finish, Janeway. You needed to know the cost of your actions.”

Hearing her raised voice, Tom entered just in time to see Kathryn’s face as she saw red. Never in seven years had he witnessed anything to even suggest her control was slipping, but he could see now that she was fully gone, and she was absolutely terrifying in her vengeful fury. She leapt at Stevens, and Tom only just managed to grab her, restraining her as she struggled to get free, to fill the primal urge to hurt him.

“You… will… pay… for… this! I will never stop until I have brought you down!”

“Hit me with your best shot, Janeway, and see where it gets you. You haven’t been able to stop anything I’ve done so far, and look what you have achieved with your actions. No rank, no respect, no future. No…” His eyes flicked to the casket, “love. Is there anything left in your life that’s worth living for, Janeway?”

“Let me go Tom, or so help me I will hurt you!” She hissed furiously as her anger reminded her she needed to get to Stevens, get close enough to make him feel regret for what he had done. But Tom was trained in combat too, and he knew exactly how to ensure she couldn’t get away without harming her.

“It won’t help anything, Kathryn. He is only here to hurt you, do you really want to give him the satisfaction?” Her head dropped, trying to make herself remember that everything she was doing was exactly what he wanted. Reluctantly, she stopped struggling, breathing harsh, and Tom’s grip loosened. She forced herself to meet his eyes.

“You have separated me from him, but the love is still there, and you can never take that away. You are welcome to my misery, but you will never have my fear or my submission. There is nothing you can do that will make me stop trying. I promise, you will regret this in the end. That is what I live for.” Taking one last look at Stevens, she turned away, blinking back the tears of rage, incandescent at her inability to do anything to the man she hated.

“The only reason I stopped her was for her peace of mind. Leave now, before I do what I couldn’t let her do.” Tom warned, steering Kathryn out of the room, halting as she looked back over her shoulder at Stevens, her words so soft he almost missed them.

“You should have let me disappear.”

Stevens’ eyes were dark with pleasure as he watched their retreating backs. He was untouched by her words, they weren’t important; any Starfleet captain knew how to posture and threaten even in the face of defeat. What mattered were her eyes; that was where the real truth was. And he had seen it there, taken a long look as she tried her best to hide it from him.

It had taken him many months to achieve, but finally she was broken.

He always got his way in the end.

*****************************

**Four weeks earlier**

*****************************

Kathryn waited outside of Starfleet headquarters. She might have been anxious if she still had the energy to feel, but that was long behind her now. Only sheer hatred kept her going, her determination to rid Starfleet of the sickening decay it was concealing.

Ten minutes later, she saw Owen appearing around the corner with the young doctor. Walking towards them, it wasn’t lost on her the way he shied away, purposely avoided meeting her eyes. That was fine with her, she had no desire to speak to him either. A cold air of indifference was all she could manage, even with her best efforts. When she looked at him, it was so hard not to imagine herself back in that hospital room, watching Chakotay’s face as his heart and respiratory rate rocketed. And then the agony that followed. But she had to put it aside; he was the key to Stevens’ downfall. All they needed was one thing, one piece of concrete evidence, for charges to be raised, and for him to be taken into custody pending trial.

“Katie, I told you, you didn’t have to be here for this.”

“And you knew I’d be here anyway. I’m fine.” She snapped, more irritated than she would normally have been, Owen’s knowing tone riling her. She was sick of being spoken to as though she was going to crumble at any moment. She took a deep breath.

“It’s time. Let’s do this.”

***************

“Katie, Tomorrow morning, 09:00.”

“Understood.”

Her voice hesitated a minute, an unfamiliar pause of uncertainty.

“Will you-”

“Of course, Katie.”

***************

As Stevens was led out of his office, still in shock, he saw her standing there, watching. Of course, he should have known it was her. He met her eyes, his only consolation the knowledge that in taking him down, he had destroyed her.


	4. Her best shot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspirational music for this chapter - 'Hit me with your best shot' by Delain.
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for beta and support!

Way to kick me when I'm the ground

Way to kick me when I'm already down

When you thought I'd turn around

I turned the other cheek

Hit me with your best shot

Give me all that you've got

Hit me til I'm down and out

And black and blue

Now for the love of God

Hit me with your best shot

You made my peaceful bubble burst

Well you don't just leave

Destroy me first

*****************************

**Four weeks earlier, continued**

*****************************

As he looked at her, searching for the glimmer of emptiness he had put in her eyes, he realised something was wrong.

She was meeting his gaze fully, and there was no trace of the broken woman he had seen last time they met. All he could see was her satisfaction, her triumph that he had finally found justice. Hearing fast footsteps behind her, he saw Kathryn turn from him, clearly indicating that she had given him all the space in her life that she would allow, and now he was nothing but a memory.

With a burst of fury and disgust, he realised how perfectly she had played him. How she had lured him into her trap much as he himself had done, and he had had no idea. Not for a single second had he doubted her performance.

The last thing he saw before he was pulled around the corner was their passionate kiss as she was swept off her feet by the man she was finally reunited with.

She had thoroughly outmanoeuvred him. 

**********************************

**Seven weeks earlier (evening)**

**********************************

Kathryn paced restlessly up and down the small room as she waited impatiently. Her head snapped to attention as she heard the faint whirr of the transporter, depositing Tom, B’Elanna, Mark and Carla in front of her.

“Good. Please sit.” She gestured at the seats. While she moved to the head of the table, she remained standing, leaning slightly forward onto the back of the chair.

“I apologise for the unexpected nature of this meeting, as well as the secrecy.” Her eyes met B’Elanna’s who was looking thoroughly unimpressed.

“I also should probably apologise for my…. absence since Voyager returned. I hope you will understand when I explain what has been going on.”

With a deep breath, Kathryn proceeded to tell them everything that had happened, starting with the truth about the state of Starfleet, the cost of the Maquis’ freedom, and all of Stevens’ actions since then. The assembled team looked stunned, with the exception of B’Elanna, who looked livid.

“At the moment, Chakotay is stable but it will likely take another week until he regains consciousness. There is still a risk that he can take a turn for the worst. Due to the nature of his injuries, if this happens, it’s unlikely that there is anything we can do to save him. Owen is with him at the moment, and then I will stay with him until we can move him, but he is not safe there. Carla, that’s what I need your help for. I know you have experience with critically ill patients. I need someone who can continue to treat him in a safe environment. I was hoping you might agree to take care of him for me.”

Carla and Mark exchanged a look, and Carla nodded.

“Before you agree, there is…. something else I need you to do. Stevens is very good at what he does, he is very careful not to leave any evidence of his misdeeds. We have the doctor he sent to kill Chakotay, but his testimony alone is not enough; with the charges placed on him, in lieu of any evidence implicating Stevens’ involvement, his motive for lying provides more than enough doubt of his truthfulness for Stevens to talk his way out of trouble. So I need to prove beyond a doubt that this was his doing.

“His weakness is his arrogance; if there is anything his recent actions have proved it’s his unfamiliarity with being refused, to not getting whatever he wants when he wants it. He is obsessed with having complete control, and egotistical enough to make sure I knew he was behind all this. And I think this is what I need to use against him if I’m to have any hope of success.”

She was pacing again, however her attention to the people at the table never wavered.

“So, I’m going to give him exactly what he desires. I’m going to let him think he has won. In approximately a week’s time, Chakotay is going to ‘die’. Carla, I need you to certify it. I will do everything I can to straighten it all out for you afterwards, but for now all I can ask is for you to trust me, to trust I will not let it affect your practice. I will not hold it against either of you if you refuse; I know it’s a lot to ask, but this might be the only chance I get to trap him, and there is a great deal at stake.

“If you agree, Chakotay will need to continue to stay with you, but he must remain completely hidden. We will have a small funeral, no one except us will be aware of his ‘death’; I don’t want to have to lie to anyone who cares about him in the process unless I have no other option. If I am correct, Stevens will not be able to resist the opportunity to show up and make sure I know I brought his death upon myself. Owen is going to provide me with a Starfleet recording device. They are impossible to tamper with or fool with impersonations; anything he says will be accepted by Starfleet as accurate. I’m going to try and provoke him into admitting what he has done.”

“How will Stevens know about the funeral if we aren’t going to tell anyone?” Trust B’Elanna to immediately hone in on the weakness in the plan. Despite herself, Kathryn smiled. She had missed the engineer’s tart voice, missed the opinions she had never hesitated to share.

“Something that’s been bothering me since the attack in the hospital is exactly that; how did he know Chakotay was there when I didn’t tell anyone about it until afterwards? And then I realised, I did tell someone; I told my work I wouldn’t be in. Someone in my office is working for Stevens. That’s how he has known all along what I’m doing. It’s how he knew when Chakotay found me, and that because of him I was happy, instead of regretting my decisions, as Stevens had hoped. It’s how he knew we always go to the same restaurant on a Friday night, and how we would get home. So, we are going to use that to our advantage. Carla, I need you to comm. me at work, at lunchtime when everyone will be in the same room, and tell me he crashed. I’ll let them know that I won’t be in on the day of the funeral. Whoever is working for him will make sure he gets this information. And then we just have to hope that I understand him as well as I think I do.

“Tom, B’Elanna, you need to be my partners in this scenario. We have no idea exactly what Stevens is capable of, so the only way to remove the risk is stay committed. There can be no indication to anyone outside this room that our actions and reactions are anything other than genuine. Once we leave here tonight, this conversation never happened. Carla, I want to know when Chakotay wakes up, but apart from that, you cannot tell me anything about how he is doing.”

For a moment her voice trembled, an unexpected break from the firm tone she had managed so far, but if anyone realised how much effort her projected confidence was taking, they gave no sign. However everyone understood the meaning behind her words, what she had accepted she had to give up in order to trap him. Understood what it would do to her if she took Stevens down at the cost of their last moments together.

“If…If he really does… you can’t tell me, not until the time we have agreed. When you call me, I need to believe what you are saying could be true, to have that doubt in my mind. Everything we would do if he had really died has to happen, in public view and out of it. Make no mistake, this is going to be very difficult. But I think we can do it. Failure is not an option.”

She finally dropped into the seat at the end of the table, exhausted, and looked from one face to the other.

“Questions?”

**********************************

**Four weeks earlier, continued**

**********************************

Turning as she heard the steps she was longing for, heart skipping a beat as she was finally able to believe that her nightmares were only that and nothing more, she wrapped her arms around Chakotay’s neck as he swept her into a kiss. It felt unbearably long since she had seen him last; although it had only been a few weeks since she sent him to Mark and Carla, the night of the attack by the river was the last time they had spoken.

“Spirits, I’ve missed you, Kathryn.”

“I’ve been so worried about you, Chakotay. I really didn’t know if you would ever come back to me. Every night I dreamed I truly had lost you, and every morning I woke wondering if today would be the day I would find out Carla’s words were no lie.”

“Kathryn, you know there isn’t anything in the universe strong enough to keep us apart. We have faced death so many times, together and apart, but each time we have found each other again.”

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t-”

“Don’t you dare apologise, Kathryn Janeway. I know you, Kathryn, I know why you did what you did. Sacrificing your own happiness for the chance to make the world a better place is about the most Kathryn thing you could do. You made the right choice. It was worth the risk, not just for our own future, but for the futures of so many others. Don’t doubt yourself.”

“Sending you away while you were injured broke my heart. I had to tell myself it was the only way, that my own selfish desire would only lead him to you. But all I could remember was each time I woke in sickbay to find you there, and how I would have felt if you hadn’t been. I wanted to be there with you more than anything, but I wasn’t, I left you alone when you needed me the most.” 

“Kathryn, I know what happened to us, what you did to try and save me. Carla got a full debriefing from Dr Reid. You would have died rather than give me up, wouldn’t you?” He didn’t wait for her answer, because they both knew it was true. “I know you didn’t leave my side until Stevens forced your hand, until you had no other choice. And even then, it was because you thought it was the best way to protect me. I don’t know if I could have done it, to have had to carry on as normal, to… face your death, even if part of me believed it wasn’t true.” As he spoke, Kathryn noticed him stroking her shoulders in a strange, delicate way. Her raised eyebrow was all the question he needed.

“Carla mentioned that you had significant joint and muscle damage from trying to lift me the night we were attacked. I must weigh at least twice as much as you, Kathryn, what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that after spending what felt like hours in the icy water in an attempt to save your life, it would be rather irritating if you died because I didn’t pull you out. How else was I supposed to move you?”

Sighing, he kissed her again, more gently this time. “Thank you for saving me, Kathryn. I wish you hadn’t been hurt in the process. I suppose it would be pointless to ask you not to risk your own life for mine again?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so.”

“Chakotay, I’m fine. No lasting damage.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Do you have more to do, or are you finished here?”

“I’m finished, for now anyway. There’s still more to do, but not today.”

Chakotay grinned as a wicked idea came to him. “Good.” And he lifted her up and over his shoulder. It was time for them to go home.

“Chakotay, what are you doing?!”

“Surely you wouldn’t begrudge my ego the chance to repay the favour?”

Normally, he would never have dared to do such a thing; Kathryn was fiercely independent and did not appreciate being made to feel helpless, not that he had any desire to make her feel that way. But he had spent the time since he had regained consciousness feeling exactly that, completely powerless to help her or protect her as she faced this danger alone, the danger he had promised to fight with her. He had always known she could do it by herself, but that hadn’t made him feel any less worried. Right now, he thought, what he needed was for her to be right there with him; to keep her as close as possible, to reassure himself that she really was okay. The last time he had held her hand and pulled her with him had not ended well.

Besides, while she lightly tapped his back in a token attempt at annoyance, he could tell she knew exactly what was happening, and who was really in control. If she so much as snapped her fingers, or indicated in any way that she wanted something, he would have done it without question. Kathryn understood his needs too, and this was something she was willing to let him have, filled with delight to finally have him back with her. If he had felt any resistance or discomfort from her, he would have stopped, but he realised as he walked that her hand was running itself gently up and down the arm holding her in place.

Perhaps she needed this closeness too. 

~~~

They barely made it through the door before they were overcome by the need to be closer. Letting her slide down his front, he pressed her back against the wall, her legs wrapping around his waist as their mouths came together.

Chakotay thought he could never get enough of this, every breath he took an inconvenience as it forced their lips to separate. His dreams had consisted of nothing but her since the moment he had regained consciousness, and now he was here he couldn’t decide what to do first, mind running from one idea to another at lightning pace, pushed into overdrive by the warm perfume of jasmine mixed with something that was unmistakably her.

Kathryn was experiencing much the same dilemma, arching against him as his hands ran down her sides, feeling his hardness pressed against her and wishing the barriers between them were gone. They had waited so long, it seemed impossible for them to take this slowly. But they had all day, there would be more time.

He had somehow managed to strip her lower half without letting her go, and her hands were at his waist, trying to push down the barrier between them just enough so that they could come together. His hands freed, they joined hers and finally she could feel him pressing against her. She tried to angle her hips, push against him as he finally slid inside of her.

Both were panting and gasping at the frantic pace, knowing they couldn’t draw this out, the wait had been too long. Warm fingers burned her skin as they delved under her clothing to seek her soft breasts, and it was too much, she was already so close just from his nearness, the scent of his body surrounding her as he drove her over the edge, holding her firmly in place as she fell.

The sound of his name in her breathless voice as she came was just too much, and with a few more sharp thrusts he joined her, filling her with warmth.

Despite the speed, their chests were heaving with exhaustion from the intensity of their joining, and they stumbled to the bedroom, collapsing on the freshly made bed.

Pulling each other as tightly together as they could, limbs entwined, their racing hearts began to calm, and they drifted into peaceful sleep for the first time in many, many weeks.

~~~

Chakotay was rustling around the drawers in the bedroom when Kathryn woke up. Leaning forward in curiosity, she didn’t notice the cool air as the sheet covering her slid down to her waist.

“Chakotay, what are you doing? Come back to bed.”

“Kathryn, why is everything in a different place since last time I was here?”

“I needed something to distract me.”

Grinning, Chakotay was reminded of something they had all discovered on Voyager; a bored Captain is a dangerous Captain. There were a few occasions he had had to sweep in and ‘rescue’ B’Elanna by distracting Kathryn with some manufactured task, aware that it would generally be poor for morale if the Chief Engineer murdered their Captain for once more tinkering with systems that were perfectly fine.

“How am I meant to find anything?” He tried to sound irritated at the inconvenience, truly he did, but he couldn’t help but be amused.

“You’ll eventually get used to where everything is now. Did you really know where everything was before anyway?”

“Well, most things. I used to keep a carved wooden box in here, where is it now?”

Kathryn smirked guiltily. “Well...”

“You don’t know, do you?”

“To be honest, I’ve moved everything so many times it’s hard to keep track. I know where all the important things are.”

“Such as?”

“There’s emergency coffee in your bedside drawer.”

“Of course there is.”

“Why do you want it, is it important? Do you need it now?”

“No. ” He said distractedly. “No, I don’t. It just had some things I brought back from New Earth. I was thinking about the time we spent there, and I realised how long it’s been since I undertook a vision quest. Sometimes you can influence the location you visit by bringing an item from that place with you. I would like to see it again.” Closing the drawer and turning to her, his eyes took in her curious face, then slid lower to the soft curves that were exposed as the covers had slid down.

His eyes darkened, and he heard her sharp intake of breath.

“It can wait.”


	5. Who you are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspirational music for this chapter - 'Whole World Is Watching' by Within Temptation.
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for beta and support!

You live your life, you go day by day  
Like nothing can go wrong  
Then scars are made, they're changing the game  
You learn to play it hard

And I know you wish for more  
And I know you try  
And now you realise  
You know the time is right

The whole world is watching when you rise  
The whole world is beating for you right now  
Your whole life is flashing 'fore your eyes  
It's all in this moment that changes all  
What are you waiting for? What are you fighting for?  
'Cause time's always slipping away  
The whole world is watching  
Yeah, the whole world is watching you when you rise

You build your walls, then break them away  
'Cause that is what it takes  
You saved yourself, you found who you are  
That never goes away

And I know you wish for more  
And I know you try  
And now you realise  
You know the time is right

The whole world is watching when you rise  
The whole world is beating for you right now  
Your whole life is flashing 'fore your eyes  
It's all in this moment that changes all  
What are you waiting for? What are you fighting for?  
'Cause time's always slipping away  
The whole world is watching  
Yeah, the whole world is watching you when you rise

Your sacrifice goes through your mind  
But nothing is wasted, you've made it now  
You rise again, breaking out  
Each step that you've taken, you've paid the price

The whole world is watching

**********************************

**Four weeks earlier, continued**

**********************************

“It can wait.”

His voice was low now, his attention completely focused on Kathryn. In seconds he was beside her, pulling her to her knees on the bed so their lips could meet, her hands finding his shoulders for support. The frantic passion of earlier had passed, only to be replaced with a burning desire to make up for all the lost time, to draw out her pleasure, to bring her to the edge over and over until she could take no more.

His fingers were running through her soft hair before one hand took a firmer grip, wrapping her locks around his fingers and pulling her head back slightly, causing her to moan in delight. Her eyes were dilated, fixed on his as he held her still.

As she looked into his eyes, Kathryn was reminded that while he might have found a way to temper his anger, he was still very much a warrior. It was easy to be lulled by his soft spoken manner and the general kindness he showed the world, but there was a strength and power underneath that was very much able, and willing, to match her own. Excitement flooded her body at the sight of the raw, animalistic lust she knew was desperate to assert itself.

It seemed as if he held her gaze for an unbearably long time, until she almost felt she needed to look away from his intensity before she lost herself. And then his mouth was on hers again, hungry to taste her, all of her. His grip didn’t loosen as his lips moved to her neck, helping her to maintain the awkward position as he nipped and licked his way across her collarbone. The burning trail his mouth left over her cool skin made Kathryn shiver, trying to press more firmly against his mouth as it caressed every spot he knew would drive her wild, but found herself restricted by his firm hold.

As Chakotay’s free hand found her breast, she realised her own hands were still holding on to his shoulders, fingernails digging in so sharply she could see angry red marks under them, but Chakotay didn’t seem to mind. As his mouth moved to her other breast, his hand, now freed from her hair, wound its way down her spine until it settled at the small of her back, pushing firmly to encourage her body to arch towards him, better exposing her breasts to his ministrations. Eyes closed, her head dropped back, pushing up against him.

The feel of his mouth was heaven. He knew instinctively when it was becoming too much, when to pull back to let the cool rush of air re-sensitise her hard peaks before attacking again. But she needed more of his touch, she was on fire for him, trying to urge him onwards with every sigh, every moan.

Eventually he decided she had taken enough, and his eyes met hers again, sending a thrill through her, which quickly turned into a groan of displeasure as he pulled away. But it didn’t last long, their bodies only separated long enough for him to grip her hips, lifting her up to free her legs before pushing her back to the bed, covering her body with his as he continued to work his mouth down over her stomach. Automatically her legs fell apart, opening herself to him, offering him anything he wanted from her and desperately hoping he would accept the invitation.

Palms on her thighs, keeping them as far apart as she could comfortably manage, he let his mouth pass over her centre, close enough that his breath was making her shiver under him, but not quite touching. Her hips tried to arch against him, but his hands held her firmly before moving his mouth away, nipping at the soft skin of her inner thigh, letting her know that this time, he was in charge; the more she tried to hurry him, the slower he would go. He grinned against her skin as he heard Kathryn’s exasperated sigh. She loved this really, loved the build-up, loved how intense it felt when he finally started to touch her, but she was just so damn impatient.

Kissing down her leg, his fingers started running soft circles over her hips, dipping slowly closer and closer inwards. Her breathing was growing harsher, her chest heaving up and down as she struggled to remain in control over the delicious sensations he was sending through her. With his hands no longer holding her down, he began to notice small jerks of her hips every time his fingers came almost close enough to touch where she wanted, and soft mewls of disappointment every time they pulled back.

“Please, Chakotay…” She just couldn’t take it anymore, every part of her ached for him, and Chakotay could tell from her tone she had reached her limit. Suddenly his mouth was on her, hot and intense after the slow build-up, a scream of delight pulled from her without conscious thought. He was completely relentless, using his tongue, his lips, and his fingers all together, stroking, licking, sucking.

As he pressed two fingers firmly against her slick entrance, he felt her trembling, tensing against him before she relaxed back against the bed, panting harshly. But he didn’t stop, pressing forward, quickly forcing her back into the throes of another peak, this time accompanied by a wail of ecstasy. He would never get tired of the noises she made, every moan pushing his own arousal higher.

Despite the softness of his tongue, he knew she must be becoming more sensitive from his repeated administrations, but it was just so hard to stop. Her taste, the feeling of her pressing up against him were addictive, he needed to see and hear and feel her coming again. He reached up with one of his hands, finding hers clutched tightly in the sheets but at his touch it wrapped around his. As though through touch alone they exchanged words, he felt her other hand now in his hair, pulling him back towards her, reassuring him that what she wanted was the same as him.

Gripping both her hips with his hands, he pulled her firmly against his mouth, faster now, more aggressive as he nipped her clit, pressing his tongue into her and letting her move freely against him until his name fell from her lips in a sigh of complete bliss.

Painfully hard now, he lost no time as he rose, flipping her over and pulling her to her knees on the edge of the bed, one arm wrapping around her waist to support her as the aftershocks ran through her body. Nudging her legs apart with his knee, he finally sank into her willing body, remaining still for a moment despite his urge to move as he felt the threat of release too close for comfort.

Kathryn, having now regained her breath, felt no such worry and was pressing back against him, urging him to move. Growling as he grabbed her hips, the loss of his arm dropping her to hands and knees, he began to pound in and out of her heat, unleashing all his pent up lust into their joint pleasure. Crying out at every thrust, she tried to keep up with him but her body, still awash with her previous release, just couldn’t meet his furious pace. Surrendering to his rhythm, Kathryn let him move her body for her, his hands slamming her hips back against him. She was trying to say his name but she had no air, so close and so breathless as she tried to beg him for release.

“Mine.” He growled possessively, his breath loud in her ear as he leaned over her, mouth finding her neck as he felt her tighten around him.

“Yes!”

Helplessly he followed, finally letting go as he sank back into her, and they both collapsed onto the bed, all energy spent.

Rolling over so as not to crush her, he welcomed her into his arms as he tried to get his breath back. Their eyes met and she smiled at him, pressing her hand over his heart.

“Mine.” She stated firmly. It wasn’t a question, but he answered anyway.

“Yours. Always yours, Kathryn.”

*************************

**Three weeks earlier**

*************************

The knowledge that Stevens had had charges raised against him spread through Starfleet like wildfire. The general consensus was that the evidence was solid, something which even he couldn’t wriggle out of. Kept abreast of the developments, Kathryn learned that the charges against him had rapidly snowballed. Stevens had been exceptionally skilled when it came to manipulation, ruthlessly controlling those around him through fear and intimidation. But without the threat of his retribution, the great extent of his corruption was now spilling free; every day more officers were coming forward with their stories. There were widespread repercussions; several other high ranking admirals had been implicated as conspirators and were now facing their own charges.

Kathryn had so far managed to avoid the attempts of the press to get a statement from her. Despite remaining silent on the subject, somehow it was public knowledge that it had been her efforts which had brought Stevens’ actions to light. It didn’t help that she had been seen leaving Starfleet shortly after his arrest and several times since. While she would be called for her official statement when his trial began, Starfleet seemed to require endless clarification of her actions, of what she knew of Stevens’ misdeeds. She had a sneaking suspicion that her attendance was being requested simply because she appeared to know what she was doing; the majority of Starfleet, which had for so long been tightly controlled by Stevens, seemed to have almost forgotten how to function independently. On the positive side, without him pulling the strings behind the scenes, Starfleet had begun the journey to regain itself, to return to an organisation built on integrity and fairness. It would take time, but at least it was a start.

Despite her satisfaction that finally Starfleet was doing something, this turn of events had reminded her of exactly what it meant to be in the public’s eyes. She found herself longingly thinking of the six months she and Chakotay had spent together before all this happened, when she could exist in relative obscurity. It was inevitable, she supposed, and an acceptable cost for finally bringing Stevens down, but once more it felt as though her life was not entirely her own.

“You should probably have a look at this, although you won’t like it…” Chakotay’s voice cut through her thoughts as he dropped a paper on the breakfast bar in front of her. Kathryn blinked; lost in her musings, she hadn’t heard the slam of their door as he entered. Her face was staring up from the front page. She groaned.

Chakotay’s lips twitched in amusement at the expression on her face. He had warned her hiding would do little good, there were too many people who would be willing to talk about her for her to remain out of the spotlight, even if she managed to avoid the press herself.

“What is it this time, Chakotay?”

His smile was gone now, clearly thinking about how to broach the difficult topic.

“Someone has…leaked the transcript from your debriefing. All of it. Everybody knows what Starfleet put you through, the conditions they used to try and break your spirit. How you fought for us despite everything. There is a lot of anger at how willingly Starfleet broke its own regulations regarding care of those undergoing investigation, essentially equating their actions to psychological torture.”

Looking at Kathryn, he could see a shadow haunting her eyes, the memory of those two months where they had tried to break down every aspect of who she was. As she so often did, she had held tightly onto the memory, and even he had not known the full extent of what they had done. But he knew she had not withheld it through any attempt to hurt him or from distrust; rather that she had only limited space in her life to give thought to a time of such darkness, a time which would inevitably leave its mark on her, whether she spoke of it or not. The idea that it was now open to all was not something she could feel at all pleased about.

But he could see her fear was more than her memories, more than the invasion of her privacy. It was the idea that, having fought so hard for this, to regain the life she had lost, that she was no longer sure she wanted it. She was tired, so unbelievably tired, of trying to be everything everyone expected of her.

“Kathryn.” He soothed, turning her body on the stool until she was sitting facing him, taking both her hands in his. “Say the word, and we will disappear. This will all go on without you, there is more than enough evidence. You don’t have to do it all yourself. It’s okay to want to live your own life.”

She was tempted, more than she had ever been. But eventually she shook her head.

Everything in her life had brought her here; she was the sum of all her choices, all her experiences, of all her memories, and without them, she wouldn’t be her. There would always be some pain, some scars she never quite let go of. But there was also so much to live for, so much that she had fought for and would never let go. The world might try to demand more from her than she wanted to give, but the truth was it was hers, her life to do with as she wanted. No one could force her down any path she didn’t want to walk, and wherever she went, she knew she wouldn’t be alone. It had taken her a long time to re-find her strength, but she understood now it had always been there. She would not let herself forget it again, she owed herself that much.

“No. I need to see this through. This is who I am, I can’t hide from that. ”

“I know. But you needed to know it too. ”

***********************

**Two weeks earlier**

***********************

Despite Kathryn’s displeasure at having such a large part of herself exposed to the public through the leaked debriefing, it had at least had one positive effect. Forced to face the truth of the former Maquis’ actions on Voyager, the clear evidence of their dedication, there was no longer any doubt or distrust of them. Starfleet had, of course, issued an official apology to her, and to all the former Maquis for any mistreatment following their return.

Tom had only just managed to stop B’Elanna publicly telling them where they could shove their apology.

***********************

**One week earlier**

***********************

“She’s going to kill me.”

“I don’t think so, she clearly wants you alive. No, it would make much more sense to maim you, makes it harder for you to disappear again if you can’t walk.”

Kathryn’s irritated snort met his ears.

Chakotay had yet to meet Gretchen, but with a daughter like Kathryn, he could understand Kathryn’s trepidation about their reunion after having disappeared again following her seven year absence. Any mother of Kathryn’s would be unlikely to take such actions without comment.

“Kathryn, she is going to be so relieved to see you again. While she may feel some anger, I’m sure it is only because she loves you. We will just have to keep her occupied with other things.”

Kathryn knew he was right, and was herself hoping that the peace offering of bringing Chakotay with her would distract her mother enough from the argument she was foreseeing. In fairness, she couldn’t blame her family for being upset, even if her reasons for her actions were valid. She had put it off long enough, now it was time to face her mother and sister, and hope that they would understand.

~~~

Kathryn was sitting quietly on an old tree swing in the field behind her childhood home when Chakotay found her. At first he just stood behind her in silence, fingers gently stroking through her loose hair, just letting her run through all the thoughts on her mind.

At their last parting, Gretchen had held her tongue, despite her worries for her daughter. However, having heard nothing from Kathryn in nearly a year, she had decided this time there was to be no holding back. The argument between them had been brutal, escalating in passionate fury until finally Kathryn had stalked off. Chakotay had never witnessed anything quite like it, and it had been abundantly clear exactly where Kathryn’s forceful manner had come from. Until now, nothing he had seen had come close to rivalling Kathryn’s unwillingness to back down.

When she sighed deeply, he felt perhaps she was ready to talk. Due to the awkward height of the swing, the best position he could get into for a heart to heart involved him sitting on the ground before her, which he was glad to do. Sitting cross-legged at her feet, he took both her hands in his, letting them rest in her lap as he looked up at her, waiting for her to let him know what she needed from him.

“I always used to come here to think. I was a contrary child, as you might imagine, I probably spent more days here than not. This is where I would retreat when we couldn’t come to an agreement, I enjoyed sitting here and fuming over the injustice of having someone tell me they knew what was best for me better than I did. After leaving me for however much time he thought I needed, my father would come and find me, to help me understand her side of the argument. He was always so much calmer than we were; I get my hot-headedness from her.

“It wasn’t until I was older that I understood his actions were about more than the outcome of whatever petty argument we had had. It wasn’t a good way to deal with conflict, and he knew I wanted to follow him to the academy. I’d never make it if I couldn’t understand how to disagree without letting it send me into a tailspin. I needed to be able to see the different sides to situations.

“Eventually I realised that was what made him a good captain, and later, admiral. If I wanted those things too, I needed to have better control of my emotions, be more empathetic. To learn that offers of help or ideas were not an implication that I couldn’t manage myself, but a way to achieve something that one person couldn’t accomplish alone, a chance to find solutions that would otherwise have gone unexplored.”

“It sounds like it worked. You are all those things you described. You are stubborn, there is no denying that, but you are also fair, and for the most part, you give people a chance to have their say. There are not many who would have asked me to be their First Officer. Even fewer who would have listened when I told them B’Elanna was who you needed to run engineering.

“You saw there was something more in Tom, something no one else would have given him the chance to discover. You gave Seven a life, helped her to rediscover her humanity despite all the challenges this brought on you.

“Whatever situation we were in, you welcomed input from any of the crew. If someone brought you an idea with any merit at all, you listened and considered it. Some of the things we tried were frankly insane, but they were the only thing that could possibly have worked, the only reason we are back here now. I can’t imagine the child you seem to think you were being able to do those things.”

Her cheeks were slightly flushed, clearly uncomfortable with the directness of his compliments. However, rather than take issue, she chose to return to the problem at hand, “Yes, well, however it helps me in other ways, unfortunately, it’s never seemed to make me any more reasonable when it comes to my mother. For the most part, we are very close. But when we fight, we go nuclear. For some reason, it’s so much harder for us to come to an agreement with each other than it is with anyone else, it’s like she is trying to push all my buttons. We are just too similar.”

“Kathryn, she will never stop pushing you. It’s not about wanting to fight, she just wants you to be happy, wants you to live the best life you can. Think of what you have achieved, do you think you would have gotten so far if you didn’t have that drive, that certainty and ability to stand up for yourself and your beliefs?

“As for today… well…she isn’t angry at you, not really. She got you back, only for you to disappear again. If you take after her as much as you think you do, then this is how she expresses her fear.

“Think of yourself, facing down whatever life threatening scenario we came across in the Delta Quadrant. Were you scared? Of course you were, everyone is scared sometimes. Did you show that fear, manifest it in the way one might expect? No, you faced whatever it was, with only strength and anger for those threatening those under your care. You are to her as our crew was to you. In the end, her actions are only her desire to keep you safe and happy.”

Kathryn was silent, overwhelmed by the ability of this man to understand her relationship with her mother after only meeting her once. But, she realised, it was because he knew her, knew her better than anyone ever had. He had spent seven years watching her, learning how to understand her thoughts and motivations, to understand the intricacies and implications of her interactions with others.

“So, what do I do, Chakotay, since you know me so well?”

“Well, whenever I wanted to make you feel better when things didn’t go your way, or when it all became more than you could deal with, what you needed was a distraction. Something to put everything back into perspective.”

Looking up at her, Chakotay paused, their eyes meeting. He gave her a piercing look, as though he was trying to work something out, trying to decide whether to proceed. In the end, he must have found what he was looking for in her face, because eventually he started to talk again.

“There is something I think you should do, something that might have the added benefit of distracting her, if you are feeling brave?”

Her eyebrows raised, and he could tell she was intrigued. There were few things she couldn’t resist, and he was one of them. A challenge was another, something she always struggled to leave unexplored. A soft squeeze of his hands encouraged him to share his idea; patience was not one of her strong suits.

“Marry me, Kathryn.”

This was not at all what she had expected.

He could see the faint trepidation on her face, knowing she was thinking of her two previous engagements, of whether she could risk tempting the universe again. The thought of losing what they had was enough to override her natural shock, to hold back her usual daring. To suppress whatever feelings her heart was trying to make heard. And if he hadn’t known her so well, he might have taken this as a sign that he had misjudged her feelings for him. But he did know her, and this was exactly what he had expected.

“I know what you are thinking, Kathryn. I’m not talking about someday; I have no intention of waiting for the universe to get between what we have. I mean right here, right now. For me, there is no doubt. We are meant to be together, taking on anything the future has in store for us. You can say no, and I won’t let it change anything between us. But I hope you don’t.”

She hadn’t even noticed him letting go of her hands, but, as though from nowhere, he suddenly held a small carved box in his hands, which she could now clearly see was not for storing items from New Earth.

“Goddamn it, Chakotay, I’ve moved that box six or seven times in the last few months without ever knowing what it was, you didn’t try that hard to hide it, did you?”

“Sorry Kathryn, for once you are quite far off the mark. Sometimes things in plain sight are the hardest to see. It’s those things which are slightly hidden, the idea of something being deliberately withheld that makes Kathryn Janeway relentless in pursuit of knowledge. If you knew you weren’t meant to find it, to open it, you would have done so the very first moment you could.”

“And New Earth?”

“The wood is from there.”

“Katie!”

Her mother’s voice ran out through the calm night, the timing almost too perfect. For a moment she wondered if she had been set up, all thoughts of a fight completely gone. But she knew Chakotay too well to believe this moment could be anything other than genuine.

“Katie! Owen is here for you, he says you are expecting him?”

Her eyes met Chakotay’s accusingly, but with the faint echo of a wry grin on her face, as though she recognised that, for once, he had outmanoeuvred her.

“That confident, Chakotay?”

****************************

**Present day, continued**

****************************

He wanted vengeance, and she was going to give it to him.

The door opened.

“They are ready for you now, sir.”

She rolled her eyes, lips pursed at the title she had always despised. Glancing at Chakotay, she felt him squeeze her hand, the press of his cool metal band against her own. He smiled reassuringly before letting his fingers slide from between hers. Brushing a light kiss on his lips, she nodded at the young ensign before walking through the door.

“Thank you for joining us, please take a seat. I understand you have a great deal of evidence to present to us in regards to the case against Admiral Stevens. I’m sure the assembled board are aware of who you are, however, as always, formalities must be observed. Before the inquiry board hears your testimony, could you please state your name and rank for the record?”

Looking up at the board, she scanned along the row of people until, at the end of the panel, sitting in a separate booth, she found him.

When she had first felt the reach of Stevens’ hand following her as she tried to disappear, she had felt all her hate again as vividly as the first time. At so many points between then and now, she had imagined how it would feel to be right here, about to expose his actions, to bring her fury down on him as he so desperately deserved.

But she had realised that power was more than what Starfleet gave him, more than what he could do now. His pleasure came from the idea that he could control and manipulate, destroy lives as he saw fit, to know there were some things that could never be fixed once he had damaged them. No matter what happened to him in the weeks to come, it would be a while before the ripples of his interference dissipated; there were so many lives that would feel the ramifications of his actions for some time to come.

Of course, she would provide all the evidence that was needed to ensure he received proportionate punishment for his misdeeds.

But the real revenge, she now understood, was personal. Despite everything he had done to her, she had made it through, and what she had found along the way would be hers forever. The love she and Chakotay shared was worth every single piece of pain, every moment of madness when she had silently wished everything was over. She would not let Stevens haunt her future; that belonged to her, to them, alone. He had wanted to break her, had risked exposure of his own actions in order to do so. But here she was, stronger than she had ever been, prepared to live every day of her life as fully as she could, and with no regrets. There was nothing she could do that would punish him more than that. 

Her steely eyes, burning with life and love, met his cold ones.

She smiled.

“Admiral Kathryn Janeway.”

**~End~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for following this series, and for all the comments and support which inspired me to write both the prequel and sequel! When I first wrote Hell after this, I always wanted to see Kathryn tackle Starfleet the way we all know she could, however as a character-based writer rather than a plot-based one, the idea of having to actually come up with a plausible and satisfactory way for her to actually go about it seemed completely beyond my abilities. I honestly had no idea what I was doing, but I hope you have enjoyed the journey, and the happy ending that Kathryn (and Chakotay of course!) so clearly deserved. 
> 
> #Justice for Janeway

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


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